WHAT IS E.T. SHORT FOR ?
BECAUSE HE HAS SHORT LEGS…
E.T
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$20 to clean suit
Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.
“Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this,” he says. His buddy replies, “Don’t worry about it. That happened to me before. Here’s what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?”
“All right, I’ll try it.” So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. “Now look what you’ve done to yourself!!”
“No, no, honey,” he slurs back. “Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned.” With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.
His wife looks at it and says, “I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?” The man slurs back,
“He shit in my pants, too.”
$20 to clean suit
I Thought You Were M uttered
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time
at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her
skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my
wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
I Thought You Were M uttered
Man's best friend.
Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn’t touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.
Bartender: “Hey pal, is something wrong?”
The Guy: “Yeah, I’m really depressed”
Bartender: “Why, what’s the matter?”
The Guy: “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend”
Bartender: “Wow, that’s horrible. What did you do?”
The Guy: “I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it’s over”
Bartender: “That’s pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?”
The Guy: “I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!”
Man's best friend.
Irishman Drunk and F
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
Irishman Drunk and F
Just Lays There
A guy walks into a bar, and sees his best friend sitting there, getting drunk.
When he asks what the problem is, the friend says “When I make love to my wife, she just lays there. I’ve tried everything, but she doesn’t moan, doesn’t scream, doesn’t even move”
The guy pats his friend on the back and says “Yeah, she does that with me, too.”
Just Lays There
Deaf Men in a Bar
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”
Deaf Men in a Bar
Sink or Swim - depends on hair color.....
What do you call a blonde in the bottom of a swimming pool?
An Air Pocket!
Sink or Swim - depends on hair color.....
Good people are like street lights along the roads
Sunday, 11 May 2014
Good People Are Like Street Lights Along The Roads.
They Don’t Make The Distance Short But They Light Up The Path
&
Make the Walk
EASY & SAFE.
Good people are like street lights along the roads
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children
Most important relationship
Most important relationship we can all have is the one you have with yourself, the most important journey you can take is one of self-discovery. To know yourself, you must spend time with yourself, you must not be afraid to be alone. Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.
Most important relationship
Most folks are about as...
Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
(Abraham Lincoln)
Most folks are about as...
Always bear in mind that
Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.
(Abraham Lincoln)
Always bear in mind that
And in the end..
And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
(Abraham Lincoln)
And in the end..
Money has never made man happy
Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.
(Benjamin Franklin)
Money has never made man happy
A man should look for
Money will do everything
He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.
(Benjamin Franklin)
Money will do everything
Live in Peace
He that would live in peace and at ease must not speak all he knows or all he sees.
(Benjamin Franklin)
Live in Peace
The most beautiful thing
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.
The most beautiful thing
Fear of death
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.
Fear of death
Success in life
If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.
Success in life
New year quote by Benjamin Franklin
Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.
(Benjamin Franklin)
New year quote by Benjamin Franklin
Only one who devotes himself
Only one who devotes himself to a cause with his whole strength and soul can be a true master. For this reason mastery demands all of a person.
Only one who devotes himself
Simple as possible
Great spirits
Sometimes one pays most
We can’t solve problems
We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
We can’t solve problems
Intellectual growth
Perfections of mean and confusion of goals
Perfections of mean and confusion of goals seem -in my opinion- to characterize our age.
(Albert Einstein)
Perfections of mean and confusion of goals
Reality is merely an illusion
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
(Albert Einstein)
Reality is merely an illusion
Anyone who doesn’t take truth seriously
Anyone who doesn’t take truth seriously in small matters cannot be trusted in large ones either.
(Albert Einstein)
Anyone who doesn’t take truth seriously
Try not to become a man of success
Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
(Albert Einstein)
Try not to become a man of success
I have tried 99 times....
I have tried 99 times and have failed, but on the 100th time came success.
(Albert Einstein)
I have tried 99 times....
The hardest thing to understand
The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax.
(Albert Einstein)
The hardest thing to understand
Common sense
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
(Albert Einstein)
Common sense
The pursuit of truth and beauty
The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives.
(Albert Einstein)
The pursuit of truth and beauty
Understand everything better
Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.
(Albert Einstein)
Understand everything better
Great saying about Imagination by Albert Einstein
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein
Great saying about Imagination by Albert Einstein
Famous saying about Experience by Albert Einstein
The only source of knowledge is experience.
Albert Einstein
Famous saying about Experience by Albert Einstein
Beautiful Saying By Abdul Kalam
If a country is to be corruption free and become a nation of beautiful minds, I strongly feel there are three key societal members who can make a difference. They are the father, the mother and the teacher.
Abdul Kalam
Beautiful Saying By Abdul Kalam
Quote about Faith by Abdul Kalam
God, our Creator, has stored within our minds and personalities, great potential strength and ability. Prayer helps us tap and develop these powers.
Abdul Kalam
Quote about Faith by Abdul Kalam
An ant and an elephant
An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends.
After the first night of honeymoon, the elephant suffered a heart attack and died.
“It’s so bad.,” said the ant, “One night of emotions, and now I get to spend the rest of my life digging a grave.
An ant and an elephant
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