WHAT IS E.T. SHORT FOR ?
BECAUSE HE HAS SHORT LEGS…
E.T
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$20 to clean suit
Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.
“Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this,” he says. His buddy replies, “Don’t worry about it. That happened to me before. Here’s what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?”
“All right, I’ll try it.” So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. “Now look what you’ve done to yourself!!”
“No, no, honey,” he slurs back. “Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned.” With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.
His wife looks at it and says, “I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?” The man slurs back,
“He shit in my pants, too.”
$20 to clean suit
I Thought You Were M uttered
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time
at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her
skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my
wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
I Thought You Were M uttered
Man's best friend.
Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn’t touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.
Bartender: “Hey pal, is something wrong?”
The Guy: “Yeah, I’m really depressed”
Bartender: “Why, what’s the matter?”
The Guy: “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend”
Bartender: “Wow, that’s horrible. What did you do?”
The Guy: “I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it’s over”
Bartender: “That’s pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?”
The Guy: “I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!”
Man's best friend.
Irishman Drunk and F
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
Irishman Drunk and F
Just Lays There
A guy walks into a bar, and sees his best friend sitting there, getting drunk.
When he asks what the problem is, the friend says “When I make love to my wife, she just lays there. I’ve tried everything, but she doesn’t moan, doesn’t scream, doesn’t even move”
The guy pats his friend on the back and says “Yeah, she does that with me, too.”
Just Lays There
Deaf Men in a Bar
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”
Deaf Men in a Bar
Sink or Swim - depends on hair color.....
What do you call a blonde in the bottom of a swimming pool?
An Air Pocket!
Sink or Swim - depends on hair color.....
Good people are like street lights along the roads
Sunday, 11 May 2014
Good People Are Like Street Lights Along The Roads.
They Don’t Make The Distance Short But They Light Up The Path
&
Make the Walk
EASY & SAFE.
Good people are like street lights along the roads
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children
Most important relationship
Most important relationship we can all have is the one you have with yourself, the most important journey you can take is one of self-discovery. To know yourself, you must spend time with yourself, you must not be afraid to be alone. Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.
Most important relationship
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